Depression got hands

Last week was not the best and most of it was spent tending to my own mental health.

When Monday rolled around something was off and I could not pinpoint what had happened but I spent most of my time trying to recover from that mindset.

I spiralled a bit here and there, but what really helped was journalling. My handwriting is chicken scratch and when I am particularly in the hole so to speak, it becomes closer to the scratchings you would find in the dirary of some cultist worshipping an Eldritch abomination.

So what do I do while dealing with depression? I mostly rest, I know that it goes counter to a lot of advice which people recieve, but I know my body and I know that If I don't take a break, my body will force me to take one. My mind feels heavy is how I would describe it where ambiguous inputs are interpreted negatively. So I usually will be losing HP every time I have an interaction and I can't figure out if it is going good or bad.

So while I live a pretty reginmented life, I sometimes take a day off and just close my eyes and lie on the floor. It feels nice and grounding because there is no interaction.

That doesn't mean that I don't work out, quite the opposite in fact.

I am technically the lowest weight I have been in a long time. Obviously there is a long way to go but I am not going to binge eat myself to feel better!

I also want to share that I can deadlift a 100KGs which isn't much to brag about, but it is the first time in my life that I have lifted something in triple digits. So the funny thing is that I feel physically the best I have ever felt but mentally I was not doing good.

I really wanted to get back into gamedev, but I could tell that whatever I was feeling didn't really want to me to do anything creative. I don't know why this happens.

So the times where I wasn't on the floor I spent studying for interviews and applying for jobs.

The two highlights of my week happened on Sunday.

Firstly I met my friends for Badminton, and since it's been a long time since we played it felt good. Socializing is good, self isolation is bad, who would have thought??

Secondly I went to see an indie documentary about independant candidates in politics. The director and documentarian are people I have been following for quite some time. The idea of people fighting for their rights in the fringes of the country and succeeding or failing and how politics works in these regions was illuminating. Since it's part 1 of 4 I can only imagine how much better the director and documentarian will be getting. I am wishing them the best because they are genuine in what they want for the country.