This week has been kind of low as well. But for reasons which are so stupid and probably relatable that I had to blog about it.
I want to introduce the phrase "Sweet Little Hope" based on "Sweet Little Treat" which Gen Z has adopted as a way to cope with the weird way this economy and world at large is headed.
I realised that in the doldrums of unemployment, I am not actually worried about getting a job because a getting employed is a foregone conclusion. What I am worried about these days is finding some kind of companionship.
The truth is that we live very lonely, fragmented and isolated lives. I am watching people have comforts which I am dreaming about. They are enjoying the performance of success and happiness, crying about their dreams coming true.
This feeling of being left behind in a quagmire comes from watching the simulacra of fictional people who are basically characters in a endless stage play I can scroll past. Everyone in instagram is a theatre kid at heart hoping for a big break, but once in a while that illusion shatters and I am left feeling sad and empty.
A couple of months ago a child who was opening Pokemon card packs was served on my feed. Avery was excited, but i could see it was forced. He had terminal cancer.
Making these videos gave him some comfort because I could see genuine excitement break through whenever he pulled cards which were valuable according to him.
I don't understand the speculative markets that the pokemon card industry has been taken over by, but I recognise and respect that Avery got a lot of joy and comfort from sharing this hobby with the world.
Over the weekend he was admitted into hospice and he is dead now.
This might seem like a convoluted and parasocial eulogy to a boy I barely knew but sometimes it's easy to see yourself reflected in the people you glance at.
I'm glad that he got his youtube play button before his passing and I am glad that the community he formed and the wider pokemon card community has rallied around him and his parents.
So when I say "Sweet Little Hope" I am trying to convey this idea that it's not a crime to look forward to doing small things which might seem silly to other people. As an adult it becomes increasingly difficult to make connections because people become jaded but if you could do even a small act of kindness even if it is for yourself you should do it.
I know it's pedantic to say "take joy in the little things", but maybe it's basic stuff like this we tend to put in boxes along with all the messed up trama that happens just by existing.
I have had to come to some conclusions about what direction I am headed. It seems inevitable that the people who were here for most of my life will become less pronounced now. Some people whom I thought would be around forever are long gone completely. It's a lonely thing watching people leave.
So my sweet little hope is working on finding my kind of people, it doesn't have to be permanent because ultimately the truth is all relationships have a natural expiration date one way or another. So I'll take joy in my attempts of reaching out, because one must imagine me happy.