This post was edited with the help of we blog #2's community feedback
Last weekend I spent some time with my close friends and the topic came up because I had to walk around in compression socks, and a knee supporter. On my off days I am usually trying to make up for the damage done to my body and it sucks to see that from the outside. So the questions come up, "Why do you fight? Why do something with so much risk for so little reward?". That's an appropriate line of questioning because to most people from the outside it looks like I pay money to get beaten up by people. So I thought why not write an essay about my hobby.
Beginnings
I am not a violent person. I think when most people think of fighting they are thinking of street fights where it's two guys getting in each others face trying to slam each other into the concrete. That is violence, and a youtuber I follow says it best, "That is not really fighting, it is two people having a really bad day."
I grew up watching dragon ball z and WWE religiously, and we would often try and emulate what we watched, fortunately like most children we were made out of rubber and as bart simpson says, "Kids don't Die" we never really hurt each other hard enough to not make it seem like it was the coolest thing ever.
Being awkward, and a loner I am not a fan of team sports. I had a football phase back in 11th grade because I thought I would get to talk to a girl I liked in the volleyball team. So I played football as defender religiously for 6 months, built my stamina and lost a lot of weight doing so, but like most things done as a teenager nothing happened on either front.
But it did confirm that I am not really a team sports guy. I have never liked being stared at, or yelled at and as a awkward gangly teenager it was easier to fuck up and have both those things happen to you, not to mention the aggressive hazing and bullying.
So I swore off most kinds of sports all together and I think I went by just existing on this mortal plane until covid happened and like most people I went a little stir crazy. I was always aware that there were really good MMA gyms and when the lockdown ended I decided to sign up. I went there and got bodied for a bit. Unfortunately for me I could not go there regularly and I had to drop it because it was too far away from my house.
Then moved to another place and I was fortunate enough to have a gym super close to my house. But I was intimidated, and I avoided going there for a year. What pushed me to go there was me getting into a long distance relationship after being in a close distance one for a year. She was in Germany and I was here and things were stressful. I had just been laid off and I felt directionless.
So I just one day decided to go and show up. I joined the same day and started my Martial Arts journey.
The Painful Process or Leave your footwear and ego outside the door
There is a sign outside my gym printed on an A4 sheet that says, "Leave your footwear and ego outside the door", that was the first thing I saw when I came to the gym, and inside there were people warming up and punching the hard sandbags, the atmosphere was intense, or at least that's how my brain interpreted it. but I am guessing it was mostly the smell of sweat.
When you start off as a true beginner, you will feel a type of embarassment that can only be felt when a 10 year old will be giving you pointers on how to punch and kick in the correct form. It might bruise the ego, but this kid has been doing it for 2 years more than I have and has competed more times than I have fingers. So I starved my ego, and began the process. I felt awkward at first, I was overweight and under confident, it is a deadly combo which can make you feel like Ord from Dragon tales if you remember that show, especially the part where you feel like being invisible.
I kept coming back for some reason though, every day week after week because I didn't really have much else going on and I was enjoying the progess.
I think back to my first time ever sparring someone on the ring and it makes me cringe but it's also very funny. It was one month into me starting training and I was feeling like hot shit, and I needed to get humbled a little bit. So I was paired up with a guy who unbeknownst to me was a boxer who had 4 years of experience.
I would not insult your intelligence with predicting the outcome, it was like putting a small bunny rabbit against against a pitbull which craves the sweet soft skulls of soft small bunny rabbits. I had the stuffing beaten out of me, my nose was bleeding and I understood that the road to mastery is a long one.
It would be funny if I spun up a yarn here about how soon it was like the shounen anime I watch, and I finally found a rival and we promise to fight each other in the finals of the world championship, along the way I fight and make friends and foes, yada yada yada. But real life is often just showing up, beating a bag, beating each other, and repeat. So many faces came and went and I kept showing up and also sometimes going away for a months. Real life is often as interesting as you make it unfortunately.
But I saw improvements. I did carry myself with more confidence inside the gym. I was able to hold my own against people and soon there were also times when I could help people out and teach.
Loneliest Sport in the World
I have been fortunate enough to meet some of the most supportive people in my journey here. I am happy to know my coaches and team mates.
At the same time, all of that fades into the background when you are competing and inside the ring. Unlike pro wrestling there is no tag team here. You probably work hard every day of every week for what is close to 10 - 15 mins on the ring, under bright lights and a crowd that could not give a fuck who wins or loses. You have people supporting you when you fight, but when the ref says fight you are always alone.
There are people for whom this is a job. They are doing it in the hopes that this will be the lottery ticket that will propel them to fame and fortune. I don't suffer that delusion, or more specifically, I know that if I pick that route I am one can in a line of many cans which will be kicked by the people who are actually hungry for the win.
There are men who work as security guards, and bouncers, for whom winning in amateur level is something they need desperately. I am just some dude with too much free time on my hands, doing this for no real reason from the outside.
But I think seeking mastery over the self for no particular reason is also an okay reason to do this. I'd like to assume that everybody that beats people for business or pleasure has a few screws loose, nobody is a violent manic here, everyone knows the risks after a while. I think people who climb mountains without any gear aka free solo or cave divers are similar in that vein. "Why did you climb the mountain? Because it was there.", comes to mind.
Sometimes I think that it is also aggressive meditation. You are nowhere else but the present, if you are distracted you are slimed. Nothing exists except you and your opponent, and the only way out is through.
It also works great if you have anxiety because for all the imaginary tigers chasing you, you have one real person trying to attack you. You are centered and aware of your body, in ways that you can only be when you have a large man trying to fold your clothes with you in them.
Where does all this lead?
The closer I get to actual middle age, the more I realise that some hobbies are seasonal, some are only for a particular phase of your life and some you will be doing for the rest of your life. When I was a young adult, without a lot of confidence, walking inside the gym I met people who shaped me into the type of athlete I am today. I know that at best I have another 4-5 years left in this hobby, because the damage accumulates, life circumstances, etc. But the lessons will be there forever, and the memories (unless I have CTE. please let me know if I write like someone with brain damage when you get the chance)
My perspective on athleticism has also changed. I understand the level of work that needs to be put in to be the best. Mastery is a long road which begins with the phrase "I want to get better".
My only goal with this is to get some national or regional title and retiring while on top in the amateur level so that I have some kind of stories to share around the fireplace.